February 12, 2025 By Stephen Tartaglia Social Science research indicates clearly that marital status is a crucial predictor of important economic, emotional, and health outcomes for men and women throughout their adult lives. So says Brad Wilcox, in his book “Get Married: Why Americans Should Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families and Save Civilization.” Being married is a better predictor of happiness than other factors that get more attention in today’s culture including education, work, money, race and gender. And he says marital quality is the top predictor of life satisfaction in America. People don’t just slide into top-quality marriages. It involves a whole process of preparation and discernment, starting as a child growing up in a family. There they learn to receive and give love, to share, forgive and communicate. They learn about the human body, both male and female. During puberty, their bodies and brains develop, their thinking becomes more abstract, they experience independence from their parents, their social circles widen, romantic or sexual relationships become important for them, and they begin seeking long-term commitment in their relationships. Their biological drives grow stronger, and they normally want what they are not yet ready to have. Parental support and guidance is critical at this phase. Without it, adolescents are left vulnerable to the influences of others far less likely to share values that lead to a top-quality marriage and much more likely to encourage participation in the hook-up culture. Kerry Cronin, Philosophy Professor at Boston College, contrasts the hook up culture with the dating culture. Hooking up is a brief encounter between two people in which the pair mutually use each other for sexual pleasure to one degree or another which results in shame, loneliness and despair. Dating, on the other hand, is a process of forming a real relationship with another person. Cronin saw that society no longer supports dating so that young adults find it difficult to form meaningful relationships with each other that could lead to top-quality marriages. Cronin offered “The Dating Project” as a way to work against this trend by teaching her students to date rather than hook up. The Dating Project was so successful that it was made into a movie. The Dating Project, a required part of her class at Boston College, teaches the importance and rules of dating and it requires the students to go on a date. Cronin’s rules for the dating assignment were as follows: Ask in person, not through electronic medium; Ask within three days; Pick someone who is a legitimate romantic interest; A new person, not someone you’ve dated before; Be open and honest that it is a date; It should only last 45-90 minutes at most; Make a plan ahead of time; You ask, you pay; But only $10-15; No drugs or alcohol; No touchy – an “A-frame hug” at most at the end of the date; Tell three people so you have support, but not everyone; and Go alone…not in a group. These were college students – young adults, not children. She reinforced with them that the dates were not to be in some sketchy, unsafe place, but rather in a public place where the pair could safely have a good conversation and get to know each other. Here are a few links to learn more about Kerry Cronin and the Dating Project: Kerry Cronin – The Problems with Hook-Up Culture Dating is a process which helps the young person discern marriage. But the process is gradual and moves through stages. Most people don’t marry the first person they go on a date with. Rather, each dating experience allows a person to grow a little, to gather a little more information about themself and other people. It helps them to see their own preferences, strengths and weaknesses. It helps them to assess their readiness and desire to enter the kind of relationship that could lead to a marriage. Done well with an active prayer life and good spiritual guidance, dating also helps people discover what God is calling them to. Another great resource is the book Pretty Good Catholic: How to Find, Date and Marry Someone Who Shares Your Faith, by Rachel Hoover Canto. The book is a very good overview of dating in our times, covering these topics: • Stages of relationships and taking them in order • Setting healthy boundaries • Long Distance Dating • Dating non-Catholics or different Catholics (Latin Massers, Charismatics, Conservatives, Liberals, etc.) • Suggestions for maintaining a chaste relationship • Readiness to date • How and when to stop dating someone Here’s a link to an interview with Canto: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpsjFREgO_U&t These days it’s less common for children to grow up in an ideal family with married parents. Most adolescents and young adults benefit from mentors who can give them ethical and practical guidance on dating and developing real relationships rather than hooking up. Stay tuned for my next article on mentoring. |
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