February 12, 2025

By Stephen Tartaglia
Family Life Director

Marriage is the best predictor of happiness, health and success in our society.  According to Brad Wilcox in his book “Get Married: Why Americans Should Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families and Save Civilization,” marriage rates in America have hit an all-time low.  Fewer couples are getting married and of those that do, many of them divorce.  To reverse the trend both problems have to be understood and addressed.  I believe that mentoring both adolescents and married couples is a key component in helping to reverse this trend.

As adolescents and young adults widen their circle of friends, it’s common for them to seek advice from each other. But the advice they receive from their peers is not always the best, especially if their friendships are based on shared experiences rather than shared values.  Just because you’ve been in the same school since kindergarten, been on a sports team together or worked at the same restaurant for a long time with someone doesn’t mean he or she is the best role model or the best person to give you advice, especially on moral issues. 

Lawrence Kohlberg, a psychologist, said that people progress through ascending stages of moral development.  He famously outlined ways that educators could influence the moral development of their students without indoctrinating them and in ways that would be in line with the US Constitution.  He taught that people at lower moral levels would be able to ascend to higher levels by interacting and spending time with people already at higher moral levels. 

If an adolescent wants good advice, he or she should interact with people who are a little more virtuous, knowledgeable and experienced, and have the best interest of the adolescent at heart. Time spent interacting with these people is at the heart of mentoring.  Adolescents from separated/divorced family situations are much more vulnerable to the negative influences so prevalent in our culture. They have a particular need for mentoring, especially in the area of romantic relationships.

But it’s not just adolescents that can benefit.  Marriage mentors help engaged and married couples in 3 ways:
1. They support the couple as they prepare for marriage and in the early years of marriage.

2. They help couples who are experiencing distress to repair and rebuild their marriage.

3. They inspire couples to move from having merely good marriages to great marriages.

Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott, in “The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring,” define marriage mentors as “a relatively happy, more experienced married couple who purposefully invest in another couple to help them effectively navigate a journey that they have already taken.”

Marriage mentors are not parents, buddies or pals of the couple they are mentoring.  They are not “on call” for every little crisis.  Mentors are not teachers, meaning they don’t prepare and present lessons, although they do share their experiences.  Finally, they are not “know-it-alls.” They don’t have all the answers.  Marriage mentors are couples who have had success in their marriage despite the inevitable problems and hard times, and they want to have conversations about these as they spend time with less experienced couples to help and support them. 

No one expects mentors to be perfect, but they are expected to be good models of marriage, walking the walk and talking the talk.  Conversely, not all married couples should be marriage mentors.  There is some discernment that is needed both by the married couple and those that lead marriage mentoring programs.  Here are some considerations Dr. Les and Leslie Parrot suggest might serve as caution flags for couples considering this ministry:
• Is either or both currently battling an addiction?

• Does either have uncontrollable emotional outbursts?

• Have they recently suffered a significant financial or emotional setback?

• Is their marriage stable or fraught with frequent conflict?

• Are they still trying to find healing from some kind of abuse?

• Do they struggle with debt?

• Is one more motivated than the other to become a mentor?

• Is either or both pessimistic about marriage?

• Have others told them they may not be ready or in a good place to mentor at this time?

I would also ask if they are actively practicing Catholics in good standing with the Church.  Part of the Catholic marriage mentoring process is attending Mass on a weekly basis with the couple being mentored.  Weekly Mass attendance is one of the predictors of marital success. This requirement has the added benefit of helping the newly married couple become integrated into the life of the parish. 

Finally, one of the great things about being a marriage mentor is that it enriches the marriage of the mentoring couple as well.  If you are interested in learning more about marriage mentoring, please feel free to contact Steve Tartaglia in the Family Life Office at startaglia@rcdony.org or 315-393-2920.